I am planning to structure this page a bit, sometime in the near future. In the meantime, I'm still adding stuff...
Not quite new quotes
"Enjoy yourself. These are the 'good old days' you're going to miss in the years ahead." --Anon."Anyone who limits her vision to memories of yesterday is already dead." - Lily Langtry
"A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually. One must fight for a life of action, not reaction." - Rita Mae Brown
"the best way to predict the future .... is to create it"
"There is no failure except in no longer trying." - Elbert Hubbard
"If ambition doesn't hurt you, you haven't got it." - Kathleen Norris
"If you are afraid of your future, you don't have a present." - James Petersen
"The computer is a moron." - Peter Drucker
"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up." - James Magary
"I have the heart of a child - I keep it in a jar"
"People who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else to blame it on."
"You can't expect to win unless you know why you lose." - Benjamin Lipson
"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going." - Beverly Sills
"Living well is the best revenge." - George Herbert
"To read without reflecting is like eating without digesting." - Edmund Burke
"A mistake is simply another way of doing things." - Katharine Graham
"To get something done a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent." - Robert Copeland
"Character contributes to beauty. It fortifies a woman as her youth fades. A mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude and integrity can do a great deal to make a woman beautiful." - Jacqueline Bisset
"There is always a multitude of reasons both in favor of doing a thing and against doing it. The art of debate lies in presenting them; the art of life lies in neglecting ninety-nine hundredths of them." - Mark Rutherford
Great minds discuss ideas.Average minds discuss events.Small minds discuss people.
Talk is cheap beacuse supply exceeds demand.
When everything is right nothing is left.
Men are like roses, you got to watch out for all the pricks!
God made pot... Man made beer... Who do you trust? - Katie Santo
If God is the answer, it must have been a very stupid question. - alt.atheism
"The more you play with us, the bigger we get" - Bethesda Softworks official slogan(makes computer games)
"I have the heart of a child - I keep it in a jar"
YOU!! Out of the gene pool. - Bumper Sticker
"Cancer cures smoking." - Graffiti
Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death. - Richard Jeni
I was shit scared of cyberspace, so I downloaded in my pants. - Stephen King's "Bag of bones"
The worst part of winning a rat race is not that you win, but the fact that you're still a rat.
Guys are like parking lots, all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped. - Unknown woman
Sex is like a bridge game, if you don't have a good partner you had better have a good hand.
What color does a smurf turn when you strangle it?
There Is No Gravity. The Earth Sucks. - Brett Easton Ellis, "The Rules of Attraction"
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory." - Ingrid Bergman
"It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds." - Aesop
"The only completely consistent people are the dead." - Aldous Huxley
"If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out." - Arthur Koestler
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - A Bit of Fry and Laurie
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The New York Times 1960
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. - William James
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? - Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing. - Murphy's Laws
Do not wait for ideal circumstances, nor the best opportunities; they will never come. -Janet E. Stuart
Begin somewhere; you cannot build a reputation on what you intend to do. - Liz Smith
Conditions are never just right. People who delay action until all factors are favorable do nothing - William Feather
An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. - Niels Bohr
I like thinking big. If you're going to be thinking anything, you might as well think big. - Donald Trump
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. - Lily Tomlin
Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. - Margaret Thatcher
The more corrupt the State the more numerous the laws. - Cornelius Tacitus
I had always loved beautiful and artistic things, though before leaving America I had had a very little chance of seeing any. - Emma Albani
Buying stock is exactly the same thing as going to a casino, only with no cocktail service. - Ted Allen
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. - Isaac Asimov
I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan
A conservative is a man who wants the rules changed so no one can make a pile the way he did. - Gregory Nunn
Life is very interesting, if you make mistakes. - Georges Carpentier
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. - Arthur C. Clarke
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. - Blake Clark
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. - Eldridge Cleaver
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization. - Georges Clemenceau
Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, since it consists pricipally of dealing with men. - Joseph Conrad
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. - Don Quinn
The meaning of life is that it stops. - Franz Kafka
The happiness of society is the end of government. - Walt Kelly
If you thought going to the dentist was painful, you should try Solaris. - Dave Kennedy
Logic is a system whereby one may go wrong with confidence. - Charles F. Kettering
An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn't take his education too seriously. - Charles F. Kettering
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Rich Kulawiec
You can't be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER. - Frank Zappa
The sports page records people's accomplishments; The front page nothing but their failures. - Jutice Earl Warren
We keep, in science, getting a more and more sophisticated view of our essential ignorance. - Warren Weaver
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what a feminist is, I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat - Rebecca West
People don't grow up, they just learn how to act in public. - Bryan White
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. - E.B. White
Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it. - Katherine Whitehorn
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. - Tennessee Williams
I think, therefore I'm single. - Liz Winston
I am the modern, intelligent, independent-type woman. In other words, a girl who can not get a man. - Shelley Winters
Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious. - Paul Valéry
Half the American population no longer reads newspapers: plainly, they are the clever half. - Gore Vidal
No one grows old by living--only by losing interest in living. - Marie Beynon Ray
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes -- and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers
Politics is for people who have a passion for changing life but lack a passion for living it. - Tom Robbins
We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones. - François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
Computers make it easy to do alot of things, but most of the things that make it easier to do don't need to be done. - Andy Rooney
Kill one man and you are a murderer. Kill millions and you are a conqueror. Kill everyone and you are God. - Jean Rostand
Think? Why think! We have computers to do that for us. - Jean Rostand
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. - Laurence J. Peter
A conservative is one who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. - Leo C. Rosten
Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her, when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? - Helen Rowland
The only posible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do, some don't. - Ernest Rutherford
What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful - John Rzeznik
My advice is to look out for engineers. They begin with sewing machines and end up with nuclear bombs. - Marcel Pagnol
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. - Gen. George Patton
Wise men make proverbs; fools repeat them. - Samuel Palmer
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. - Epitaph
"I'm not going to limit myself just because people won't accept the fact that I can do something else." - Dolly Parton
I see dead people. They're everywhere. - Cole, Sixth Sense movie
If you don't even give a thought to the wackos on the streets that go around saying they are god, why on earth would you believe some guy who went around saying it two thousand years ago?
We are all Barbie Dolls. The world dresses us up in different outfits and tries to make us what they want us to be. But inside, we are all still just hollow plastic shells. - Theresa Gromek
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something. - Plato (429-347 BC)
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution - The deep thoughts of Homer Simpson
A thousand million flies can't be wrong - eat shit.
Dead people are cool.
Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
For what we regard as reality is conditioned by the theory to which we subscribe -- Stephen Hawking
Impose rules to make life easier. Break rules to make life more fun. -- jon fishman, phish
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. - Woody Allen
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
There ain't no devil, there's just God when he's drunk. - Tom Waits
In victory you deserve champagne, in defeat, you need it. - Napoleon Bonaparte
We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in. - Men's room grafitti
Hard Drive: The part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. - Dave Barry
A good Traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving. - Lao Tzu
Silence is golden... but it's also boring. - Tara F
I think therefore I am severly concerned.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. - Voltaire
I don't need drugs to make my life tragic.... - Eddie Vedder
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. - Robin Williams
If god had ment for us not to fly, he wouldn't have given us marijuana. - Patrick Marlowe
I am not fat... I prefer to think of myself as subcutaneously gifted. - P. J. Sexton
We waste our lives working at jobs we hate to buy shit we don't need! - Tyler Durden, "Fight Club"
"The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off." - British Army Journal (1949)
Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say "Are you gonna drink that?"
Earth first, we'll stripmine the other planets later!
I used to believe in a "Ms. Right", but now i know there is like 4 million "Ms. Rights" and it is just a matter of which one you meet first. - Matthew Perry
Most of the shadows of life come from your own self blocking the sun. - James Pickett
Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy. - Anne Frank
Each day can be one of triumph if you keep up your interests. - George Matthew Adams
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. - Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
Real happiness is cheap enough, yet how dearly we pay for its counterfeit. - Hosea Ballou
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time. - Edith Wharton
To make a man happy, fill his hands with work. - Frederick E. Crane
Sadness is almost never anything but a form of fatigue. - Andre Gide
A good garden may have some weeds. - Thomas Fuller
To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. - Confucius
Some folks never exaggerate--they just remember big. - Audrey Snead
I think these ones are from Mark Twain:
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Be good and you will be lonesome.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Always tell the truth; then you don't have to remember anything.
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
You can't depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity there ain't nothing can beat teamwork.
Love your enemy, it will scare the hell out of them.
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
Heaven for climate. Hell for company.
Quotes in random order
There are no strangers here, only friends that have never met before. - Johnny Fox (the highest pub in ireland)For every action, there is a reaction. - Albert Einstein
There will always be more. That's what more is all about! - 29Ko We aim to please ... will a .44 magnum do?
Certain options and features of a program may be used rarely. For instance, the routines on U.S. government computers which balance the budget have not been used in years. - Silberschatz and Galvin, "Operating System Concepts"
We are Microsoft. You will be assimilated. Resistance is useless! - Re-write of the famous Start Trek quote used by the Borg
This is the greatest work of fiction since the french included vows of fidelity in their marriage service! - Edmund Blackadder, "Blackadder the third"
Reality is merely an illusion, but a very persistent one! - Albert Einstein
Sometimes I have a whole brain, sometimes I have a half of brain, sometimes I just sing. - Anthony G.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature.
In the end, only kindness matters.- Jewel Kilcher (from "Hands")
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. - Fred Allen
Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate. - Dave Barry
If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done. - Scott Adams
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. - Guy Almes
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software. - Unknown author, Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological Literacy for the 1990's, describing the difference between computer hardware and software
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen. - Albert Einstein
Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem. - John Galsworthy
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. - H. L. Mencken
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. - Dolly Parton
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. - Oscar Wilde
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
Telling computer guys that they need to have permission to quote things is like having to tell little children about Death. Ted Nelson
People says Microsoft payed 14 million dollars for using the Rolling Stones song "Start me up" in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14 milliond dollars only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line "You'll make a grown man cry".
EASY TO INSTALL = Difficult to install, but instruction manual has pictures.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and BSD. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. Jeremy S. Anderson
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. Mitch Ratcliffe, "Technology Review" (1992)
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. - Robert Firth
Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up? Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)
When all else fails, read the manual.
Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently together."There is now", came the reply.
DOS 6: Because there aren't enough problems in the world already.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Do androids dream of electric sheep?
One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well. - Virginia Woolf
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.- Benjamin Disraeli
Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.- Aaron Levenstein
Ninety percent of everything is crap. - Theodore Sturgeon
Drop your carrier, we have you surrounded!
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld
UNIX is an operating system, OS/2 is half an operating system, Windows is a shell, and DOS is a boot partition virus. - Peter H. Coffin
UNIX is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully
First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure. - Douglas Adams
WindowError:010 Reserved for future mistakes
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates, 1981
1st Law of the Internet states that the answer is on the Internet. Therefore the quest is no longer "Where to find the answer" but "How to word the question". - Randi
A computer is like the union, it never works unless you spend money on it. - The Silent Thinker
Windows 95 and Windows 98, the only operating systems that has the year-2000 bug built into the name. - The Internet
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
The great thing about standards is that there are so many of them.
A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough. - Benjamin Franklin
The point of marriage: For a man, women are vehicles that can carry genes into the next generation. For a woman, men are sources of vital substance (sperm) that can turn their eggs into embryos. For each gender, the other is a sought-after resource to be exploited. - Matt Ridley in The Red Queen.
considering the way evolution works, it should not be surprising if every man has got a Don Giovanni somewhere inside him. - Matt Ridley in The Red Queen.
An inventor is a person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. - Bierce, Ambrose
[When asked how old he was] "Old enough to know better, but young enough to not give a damn anyway." - Jarvis Black
The ones who don't do anything are always the ones who try to pull you down. - Henry Rollins
If anything in this life is certain; if history has taught us anything, it's that you can kill anyone. - Michael Corleone, The Godfather
When he is late for dinner i know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the street. I always hope he is dead. - Judith Viorst
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time! - Tyler Durden, Fight Club
The probability of somebody watching you is directly proportionate to the stupidity of your actions.
There are some that are wise and others that are otherwise. - T-shirt slogan
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. - Gore Vidal
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
Why does free love cost so much? - Graffiti
If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area." - Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
Why keep sane in a sick world? - Graffiti, Näckströmsgatan, Stockholm
That's the remarkable thing about life. No matter how bad it gets it can always get worse. - Calvin
Smokers are like ordinary people, just not as long. - Graffiti
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. - Ashleigh Brilliant
I'm not in denial i'm just selective about the reality i choose to acept. - Calvin and Hobbes
Among modern occupations, only cult leaders and TV weathermen rival the technological visionary's ability to retain credibility despite all evidence to the contrary. - Nathan Myhrvold
Life is like a prick. When its hard you get fucked. When its soft you cant beat it. - H.C. Friedman
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. - Steven Wright
Las Vegas is a town built on bad math. - Penn of Penn & Teller
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. - Kris Kristoferson
The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them. - Alfred E. Neuman
Everybody has the gift of stupidity but you are abusing the privilege. - Juan Reyes
When life seems to have turned it's back on you, stand up and kick it in the ass. - Kelly LeBrun
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. / Never ask us if you're fat. You will either suspect we're lying or get hurt. - Rules thay men wish every woman knew
I like to con and insult people, that's why I choose to become a Consultant. - Dilbert
What color does a smurf turn when you strangle it?
Dear God, please save me from your followers.
Linux is free only if your time is worthless.
To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer.
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! - Vroomfondel
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. - Mark Twain
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - Gloria Steinem
I'm not confused, I'm well mixed. - Robert Frost
Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. - Semi-Sonic (from "Closing Time")
Better to remain silent and thought to be a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain
I'm not paranoid but I know that you all think I am.
Life is like mail- sometimes you just don't get it! - Anonymous/unknown
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do. - Murphy's Laws of Computing
Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different. - Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
Those who have not tasted the bitterest of life's bitters can never appreciate the sweetest of life's sweets. - Chinese proverb
You've got to dance like nobody is watching and love like it's not going to hurt. - Kathy Mateah
When in doubt, be vague. - Jenn Book (Quotes 'R' Us)
It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right. - Moliere
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. - Anonymous/unknown
When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think of something appropriate and do it. - E. W. Hobe
l am NOT suffering from insanity... l happen to be enjoying myself!
War does not determine who's right; war determines who's left.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. - Ozzy Osborn
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. - Henrik Tikkanen
THANK GOD I'M SO STUPID! - Bob Rice (prayer of St. Peter)
A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I don't have anything against geeks. I was one for 11 years. I used to think PCs were the greatest thing since sliced bread ... then someone showed me sliced bread.
Why do we shave? It doesn't seem like a natural activity. There are no examples of shaving in nature. The only creature that comes close is the male South Pacific Groping Beetle, which sometimes, just before mating, will slap on a little Aqua Velva. But we think this resulted from atomic testing. - Dave Barry
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. - Matt Cartmill
After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her. - Dolly Parton
A large, clumsy umbrella is the best protection against the rain: there will be no rain as long as you're lugging it around. - Peter Wasthol
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. - Rodney Dangerfield
To figure your cost of living simply take your income and add 10 percent. - Unknown
I shall be an autocrat: that's my trade. And the good Lord will forgive me: that's his. - Catherine the Great (1729-1796)
I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was ... an arctic region covered with ice. - Steve Martin
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, 'I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide.' - Rodney Dangerfield
It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract. - Alan Shepherd
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says 'You've been brought here for drinking.' The drunk says 'Okay, let's get started.' - Henry Youngman
Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the net, it looks like very soon everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame. - MG Siriam
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman. - Woody Allen
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. - Mark Twain
Other quotes
Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin WilliamsWomen complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. - Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Robert De Niro
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Hugh Grant
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Dustin Hoffman
When the sun comes up, I have morals again - Elizabeth Taylor
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, "I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. - Rod Stewart
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams
Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
The more I know about men, the more I like dogs.- Gloria Allred
If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.
Some men are born with cold feet; some acquire cold feet; and some have cold feet thrust upon them.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
Eternal boyhood is the dream of a depressing percentage of American males, and the locker room is the temple where they worship arrested development. - Russell Baker
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including:
* Both of your socks should always be the same color
* Or they should at least both be fairly dark - Dave Barry
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed. - Clifton Fadiman
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance? - Holbrook Jackson
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can. - Margo Kaufman
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr
I require three things in a man: He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid. - Dorothy Parker
Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely. - Bette-Jane Raphael
Men. You can't live with them. You don't have to. - Seen on a t-shirt
A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. - Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. - Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
I think-therefore I'm single. - Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinhem
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinhem
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. - Baroness Edith Summerskill
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck. - Linda Ellerbee
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Uitspraken in het Nederlands
Michael Jackson's album heette "Bad" omdat "Pathetic" te lang was. - The artist formerly known as PrinceAls ik in de tijd van Rubens had geleefd, was ik beschouwd als een fantastich model. Kate Moss? Die zou als kwast fungeren. - Dawn French
Acteren is respectabeler dan zingen, maar Meryl Streep kent het sublieme genot niet van 10.000 toeschouwers die doen wat jij zegt. - Courtney Love
Slechte mensen slapen niet zo goed als goede mensen. Maar de slechte mensen genieten wel meer van de dag. - Woody Allen
Sex zonder liefde is een lege ervaring. Maar van alle lege ervaringen is het wel de beste. - Woody Allen
Iedere keer dat ik naar de arts ga, vraag ik of ik nog een kind kan krijgen. Hoeveel tijd heb ik nog? Moet ik al gaan zoeken naar een geschikte dekhengst? - Brooke Shields
Met 1 gulden op zak is god altijd met ons. - Loesje
Het heeft tijd nodig om jong te worden. - Pablo Picasso
80 procent van de getrouwde mannen gaat vreemd in Amerika. De rest gaat vreemd in Europa. - Jackie Mason
Silly stories and longer quotes
Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know. Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things I decided not to know about. Amen........ Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the above prayer. Amen - Prayers given by the man up a pole (Mostly Harmless, Douglas Adams)The Talking Frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer.I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
"This is our world now... the world of the electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. We make use of a service already existing without paying for what could be dirt-cheap if it wasn't run by profiteering gluttons, and you call us criminals. We explore... and you call us criminals. We seek after knowledge... and you call us criminals. We exist without skin colour, without nationality, without religious bias... and you call us criminals. You build atomic bombs, you wage wars, you murder, cheat, and lie to us and try to make us believe it's for our own good, yet we're the criminals. "Yes, I am a criminal. My crime is that of curiosity. My crime is that of judging people by what they say and think, not what they look like. "My crime is that of outsmarting you, something that you will never forgive me for. I am a hacker, and this is my manifesto. You may stop this individual, but you can't stop us all... after all, we're all alike." - The Mentor, "The Conscience of a Hacker"
Scientist 's salary
Petros's 'Salary Theorem' states that 'engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people'. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates.
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer or scientist knows: Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money follows Knowledge = Work/Money.
Soving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more money you make!
Santa feasibility test
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to; park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3, 000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
Merry Christmas!
The hours are good....but now you come to mention it, most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy - Vogan guard just before throwing Ford and Arthur into the airlock (Hitch-Hikers Guide Through The Galaxy, Douglas Adams)
Why God Never Received Tenure at a University
- Because he had only one major publication.
- And it was in Hebrew.
- And it had no cited references.
- And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
- And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
- It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
- The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
- He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
- He expelled his first two students for learning.
- Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
- His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
The Top 10 Official Politically Correct Phrases
It's getting harder to speak without offending someone. The following are some helpful offerings:
- Involuntarily leisured (unemployed)
- Differently interesting or charm-free (boring)
- Differently evolved (of animals)
- Uniquely proficient (incompetent)
- Electorally slighted (of a losing political candidate)
- Pharmacological preference (addiction)
- Previously enjoyed sound bite (a cliche)
- Contributions (tax payments)
- Nontraditional shopper (a looter or shoplifter)
- Terminally inconvenienced (dead)
The Universe - some information to help you live in it
Population: None. It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
Area : Infinite
Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real 'wow, that's big' time. Infinity is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here.
Imports: None. It is impossible to import things imto an infinite area, there being no outside to import things in from.
Exports: None. See Imports
Wise words and some proverbs from different countries
A good message....Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400.It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course!
Each of us has such a bank.
Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow". You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a daily wage laborer with kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow a mystery.
Today is a gift...that's why it's called the present!
Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful. - 19th century British writer, artist and designer William Morris
The important thing in life is not the victory but the contest; the essential thing is not to have won but to have fought well. - Baron Pierre de Coubertin, French sportsman, educationist and the man responsible for reviving the Olympic Games in 1896
You only have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything he's no longer in your power -- he's free again. - Nobel Prize-winning author Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Man was born free, and everywhere he is in chains. - 18th century French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau
Since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved. - Niccolo Machiavelli, Italian Renaissance statesman, diplomat and writer
Sometimes I think we're alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we're not. In both cases the thought is equally shocking. - Science-fiction author Arthur C. Clarke
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. - Soviet leader Joseph Stalin
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing, and as necessary in the political world as storms in the physical. - Thomas Jefferson, American president and statesman
Truth is the highest thing that man may keep. - Geoffrey Chaucer, 14th century English poet and diplomat
There is only one success -- to be able to spend your life in your own way. - 20th century American writer Christopher Morley
True power is when what you say is only the tip of the iceberg of what you really know.
The young specialist in English Lit, ...lectured me severely on the fact that in every century people have thought they understood the Universe at last, and in every century they were proved to be wrong. It follows that the one thing we can say about our modern "knowledge" is that it is wrong. - Isaac Asimov
Humanity needs practical men, who get the most out of their work, and, without forgetting the general good, safeguard their own interests. But humanity also needs dreamers, for whom the disinterested development of an enterprise is so captivating that it becomes impossible for them to devote their care to their own material profit. - Marie Curie
Instructions for Life
- Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
- Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or loaf all you want.
- When you say, "I love you," mean it.
- When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
- Believe in love at first sight.
- Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
- Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
- In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
- Don't judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into.
- Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.
- Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
- Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.
- Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
- When you realise you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
- Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be even more important.
- Spend some time alone.
- Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
- Read more books. Television is no substitute.
- Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
- A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
- In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up he past.
- Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.
- Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
- Be gentle with the earth.
- Pray or meditate. There's immeasurable power in it.
- Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
- Mind your own business.
- Don't trust anyone who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
- Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
- If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
- Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
- Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
- Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
- Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.
- Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
ABENDGEBET
Vater Microsoft,
der Du bist auf der Festplatte,
geheiligt sei Dein Windows,
Dein Update komme,
Dein Bugfix geschehe,
wie in Windows, also auch in Office.
Unser täglich MSN gib uns heute
und vergib uns unsere Raubkopie,
so wie wir vergeben uns'rer Telekom.
Und führe uns nicht zu IBM,
sondern erlöse uns von OS2.
Denn Dein ist das DOS
und das Windows
und NT
in Ewigkeit.
Enter.
Proverbs
How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterward. (spanish)
If you let everyone walk over you, you become a carpet. (belgian)
Hell is paved with good intentions, roofed in with lost opportunities. (portugese)
Good management is better than good income. (portugese)
When in doubt who will win, be neutral. (swiss)
The hunt is like a dance for men, for the women the dance is the hunt. (austrian)
He who gets a name for early rising can stay in bed until midday. (irish)
The work praises the man. (irish)
Be slow in choosing a friend but slower in changing him. (scottish)
Even God cannot make two mountains without a valley in between. (gaelic)
The best armor is to keep out of range. (italian)
Who is blind, dumb and deaf will live a peaceful life of a hundred years. (sicillian)
No woman can make a wise man out of a fool, but every woman can change a wise man into a fool. (argentinan)
There is no shame in not knowing; the shame lies in not finding out. (russian)
A person does not seek luck; luck seeks the person. (turkish)